Again such an accurate & achingly wry piece... you have to laugh as the alternative is to cry.
This happened again the second the Olympic flame left town. The long knives were truly out. Met Transformation was the ‘hip’ place to be for all those who wanted promotion, yet couldn’t even decide what have for lunch let alone make an operational decision. It was also the place to be to do the dirty on those that had in some minuscule way, MAY have slighted those fragile souls in the past.
Enter the whole scale review teams that cast their eyes across all the fiefdoms... or so we were told. My branch all realised quicker than a 6 bang that ‘15 & ‘19 were the golden children. Untouchable - or so went our perception.
Our session - there may have been more, but I only attended one - was held at Edinburgh House, Kennington Lane.
As you say, KPMG ‘consultants’ were brought in for that session, chaired by a Ch Supt so inspiringly underwhelming, that for the 8 to 10’practitioners in the room from my rank up to Cmdr level it was clear that a ‘fight’ was brewing.
Then the review teams pièce de résistance. A KMPG guy came over to me and said ‘We understand that you’re to facilitate this session..?’
I know my NVCs aren’t the best but on that day, at that moment and in my mind I’d already slit his throat and pulled out half of his trachea. I was fucking raging.
The senior ranks in the room (from my world) looked at me; I’d trained some from scratch for their extra-curricular role, while others I’d had a small hand in their CPD. They all knew what was coming.
I simply replied ‘Er...no.’ The chair looked at me, but I cut him off. ‘Boss. I feel professionally embarrassed. I was unaware nor informed of this requirement. I’m therefore ill prepared to frame this session by your criteria I know nothing about. I’m surprised that your review team would want me to facilitate (at which I’m distinctly average) such a session from a potentially subjective viewpoint. Surely as we have engaged an ‘expert’, they’d be better placed to facilitate & then carry this session’s findings away to work with you on..?’
KPMG guy & his laptop looked lost. I suggested a more retro, old-school solution to record the session’s outpourings - flip chart & pens.
The chair looked annoyed but then the Cmdr & two Ch Supts from ‘our world’ joined in and backed me up.
One thing was now clear.
The post Kirkin/London 2012 promotion bubble had been well & truly burst.
Totally eviscerated.
Met Transformation was the new project doomed to succeed.
Ah the swift pain, followed by the wry grin of recognition. Truer words were never spoken. Having been witness and victim of both individuals ruthlessly manoeuvring their drinks cabinet towards total dictatorship and shadowy clandestine groups of senior officers seeking neutralise perceived existential threats to their dominance, I can honestly say it was something I found unpalatable and deeply disturbing. You mentioned trust as the cornerstone linking all things in a progressive and balanced culture but the very next virtue should be integrity. We’ve all witnessed negative attitudes and behaviours that would make a Russian politician draw breath. As you said, you have to let these things go as they become toxic. Fine post Dom. Obliged to you!
What a brilliant discourse! So accurate. As someone who clawed my way up the ranks without being part of any “get along gang” or “beer and biryani crowd” I have to say my experience of these ‘freemasonries’ (please note before squawk or hiring contract killer, PLURAL, not (always..) THE Freemasons) is that they are uniformly corrupting in their effects.
Thanks for writing such a humorous and well observed piece. Wish I could do the same!!!
Great article - good job sir. I was there for the great 12 plus 13 equals 15 experiment. The funniest memory from that time was that I and a colleague independently came up with the same analogy, namely that we were living through a workplace version of Pol Pot's ' Year Zero'
SO12 were politically savvy but without friends. SO13 were powerful but had no political nouse.
I predict whole function will soon be hived off elsewhere to satisfy jealous county Mounties and Box. Will be advertised as allowing MPS to do its primary role of protecting London’s communities.
It will be a sad day. Met -as we know it- is doomed but what is coming won’t be better
Well SO12 and 13. Ironically, SO13 (who helped unleash the monster) never saw the *real* victors coming either.
Great piece of writing Dom, possibly based on the demise of SO12?
Again such an accurate & achingly wry piece... you have to laugh as the alternative is to cry.
This happened again the second the Olympic flame left town. The long knives were truly out. Met Transformation was the ‘hip’ place to be for all those who wanted promotion, yet couldn’t even decide what have for lunch let alone make an operational decision. It was also the place to be to do the dirty on those that had in some minuscule way, MAY have slighted those fragile souls in the past.
Enter the whole scale review teams that cast their eyes across all the fiefdoms... or so we were told. My branch all realised quicker than a 6 bang that ‘15 & ‘19 were the golden children. Untouchable - or so went our perception.
Our session - there may have been more, but I only attended one - was held at Edinburgh House, Kennington Lane.
As you say, KPMG ‘consultants’ were brought in for that session, chaired by a Ch Supt so inspiringly underwhelming, that for the 8 to 10’practitioners in the room from my rank up to Cmdr level it was clear that a ‘fight’ was brewing.
Then the review teams pièce de résistance. A KMPG guy came over to me and said ‘We understand that you’re to facilitate this session..?’
I know my NVCs aren’t the best but on that day, at that moment and in my mind I’d already slit his throat and pulled out half of his trachea. I was fucking raging.
The senior ranks in the room (from my world) looked at me; I’d trained some from scratch for their extra-curricular role, while others I’d had a small hand in their CPD. They all knew what was coming.
I simply replied ‘Er...no.’ The chair looked at me, but I cut him off. ‘Boss. I feel professionally embarrassed. I was unaware nor informed of this requirement. I’m therefore ill prepared to frame this session by your criteria I know nothing about. I’m surprised that your review team would want me to facilitate (at which I’m distinctly average) such a session from a potentially subjective viewpoint. Surely as we have engaged an ‘expert’, they’d be better placed to facilitate & then carry this session’s findings away to work with you on..?’
KPMG guy & his laptop looked lost. I suggested a more retro, old-school solution to record the session’s outpourings - flip chart & pens.
The chair looked annoyed but then the Cmdr & two Ch Supts from ‘our world’ joined in and backed me up.
One thing was now clear.
The post Kirkin/London 2012 promotion bubble had been well & truly burst.
Totally eviscerated.
Met Transformation was the new project doomed to succeed.
Ah the swift pain, followed by the wry grin of recognition. Truer words were never spoken. Having been witness and victim of both individuals ruthlessly manoeuvring their drinks cabinet towards total dictatorship and shadowy clandestine groups of senior officers seeking neutralise perceived existential threats to their dominance, I can honestly say it was something I found unpalatable and deeply disturbing. You mentioned trust as the cornerstone linking all things in a progressive and balanced culture but the very next virtue should be integrity. We’ve all witnessed negative attitudes and behaviours that would make a Russian politician draw breath. As you said, you have to let these things go as they become toxic. Fine post Dom. Obliged to you!
Perfect description of events in the mid 2000s.
So accurate. Well done, again Dominic.
What a brilliant discourse! So accurate. As someone who clawed my way up the ranks without being part of any “get along gang” or “beer and biryani crowd” I have to say my experience of these ‘freemasonries’ (please note before squawk or hiring contract killer, PLURAL, not (always..) THE Freemasons) is that they are uniformly corrupting in their effects.
Thanks for writing such a humorous and well observed piece. Wish I could do the same!!!
Great article - good job sir. I was there for the great 12 plus 13 equals 15 experiment. The funniest memory from that time was that I and a colleague independently came up with the same analogy, namely that we were living through a workplace version of Pol Pot's ' Year Zero'
SO12 were politically savvy but without friends. SO13 were powerful but had no political nouse.
I predict whole function will soon be hived off elsewhere to satisfy jealous county Mounties and Box. Will be advertised as allowing MPS to do its primary role of protecting London’s communities.
It will be a sad day. Met -as we know it- is doomed but what is coming won’t be better