Billy Bob Thornton in ‘Bad Santa’ which is a good Christmas movie. Unlike ‘Love Actually’, which isn’t.
After a veritable explosion of Substack action over the autumn, I found myself running out of steam. So I hope you forgive my recent inactivity; I’ve got a new book to write and another published next year. And, if you like darkly-humorous action / espionage fiction, allow me to blatantly pimp my work for your consideration.
I’ll be back in 2023, probably asking why the Met aren’t turning firehoses on this lot.
Saturnalia, for those of you who don’t know, was a pagan midwinter festival celebrated in ancient Rome. It was an especially raucous exercise in debauchery, even for the Romans, a bit like a 1990s CID Christmas party. I might eventually write a piece about police Christmas parties of yore, complete with a raft of trigger warnings.
Oh, and apologies to the Irish chap I arrested at Heathrow on Christmas Eve in 1996. I’m genuinely sorry you spent the big day in the cells. Then again, you shouldn’t have ‘hidden’ a big fat bag of amphetamines inside your passport. At an airport? Really?
Anyhow, I’m not a religious man, but I dig the idea of midwinter festivals marking seasonal change. I have, therefore, adopted Saturnalia / Winter Solstice as my quasi-spiritual excuse for eating and drinking too much in December. In any case, whatever your faith or none, enjoy.
And if you’re working over Christmas for any of the blue light services, thank you and stay safe.
Many of us, I suspect, will be watching a fair bit of telly over Christmas. One of my hobbies is pretending to be a budding TV and movie grouch critic, so I’ll share some stuff you might’ve missed. Hopefully you’ll snub ‘Love Actually’, which (if you hadn’t realised) is my least favourite Christmas movie. If you made it past the schmaltzy yet tasteless 9/11 opening reference, then Andrew Lincoln stalking his best mate’s fiancée the night before her wedding, you’re braver than me.
Here are my personal ‘Saturnalia and Chill’ highlights;
Yellowstone (Paramount+)
Kevin Costner is scheming patriarch cowboy John Dutton, a man who’ll do anything to protect his vast Montana ranch. This isn’t ‘nice’ Kevin. It’s gangster in a ten-gallon-hat Kevin, with a dysfunctional family and an abundance of appealing outdoor apparel. The series tackles race (the family ranch abuts native American land), modernity, yuppies, resources and family. Think Dallas meets Ozark. The breakout character for me is Beth Dutton (played by Kelly Reilly), Kev’s drunk, traumatised but gets-all-the-best-lines daughter.
There are now 5 seasons of Yellowstone, which is apparently the most-watched TV programme in the USA (The Guardian hated it, by the way, so you know it’s good). It’s on Paramount+, which I’m accessing via the freebie trial which lasts a month.
Deutschland 83 and Deutschland 86 (More4, 3 seasons)
I grew up during the Cold War – ‘Protect and Survive’, Ronald Reagan’s ‘Evil Empire’ speech and Sting reminding us ‘The Russians love their children too’ (I’d never have known, Gordon). So, unsurprisingly, I enjoyed Deutschland ’83 very much. Our hero, Martin, is a GDR border guard who spends his days confiscating forbidden Western literature from travellers. Unluckily, his aunt is the cynical, chain-smoking Lenora – a Stasi agent who persuades him to go undercover in West Germany. What follows is a comic espionage drama / coming-of-age story of love, ideology and the omnipresent threat of nuclear war… all set to an awesome 1980s soundtrack.
The sequel, Deutschland 86, is partly set in South Africa and Angola. The Stasi are covertly funding the ANC (we’re asked the question – were they on the right side of history?), Lenora on point, slipperier than an eel dunked in olive oil. Enter Martin, as usual up to his neck in scheisse thanks to his aunt. Meanwhile the GDR crumbles, Chernobyl smoulders and the Stasi are forced to indulge in capitalism to support their socialist nirvana. A third season, Deutschland 89, was released last year.
Condor (Amazon Video, 2 seasons)
I didn’t expect much from Condor, which is loosely based on the 1975 movie ‘Three Days of the Condor’ with Robert Redford. Happily, it’s a fun slice of espionage hokum. It helps the series has a trio of veteran actors anchoring the piece, warhorses who’ve re-blossomed in this Golden Era of streaming TV – William Hurt, Mira Sorvino and a paunchy, oyster-eyed Brendan Fraser (turning in a great performance as a weak-willed baddie, haunted by the shadow of his veteran brother).
Condor’s star, Max Irons (son of Jeremy and the actress Sinead Cusack – and blimey he looks like his mum!), plays Joe, CIA hacker wunderkind (I warned you no new ground was being broken here). A tortured Millennial, Joe wants to change the CIA from the inside – as the kids say nowadays – LOL, SMH. Instead he discovers (da-da-daaaaa!) a conspiracy by the toxically-male military-industrial complex to destroy the Muslim world, which feels strangely quaint in these China-as-bad-guy / COVID-anxious times.
Condor’s strength lies in tight, well-paced plotting (which owes much to ‘24’), good characters, snappy dialogue and an epic kill-count by showrunners happy to slaughter most of the cast – Condor makes Game of Thrones look tame in this respect. Don’t expect too much and enjoy.
Fauda (Netflix - 3 seasons)
Fauda (Arabic for ‘Chaos’) follows the exploits of an Israeli army surveillance team. A recurring theme is the dehumanising nature of covert operations on everyone involved - including the long-suffering Palestinians caught between the Israelis and Hamas. Lead operator Doron (played by Lior Raz, himself a veteran of IDF Unit 217 on which Fauda is based) suffers a Dante-esque descent into ever-riskier missions, serving as a distraction from his crumbling personal life. There are also loads of nail-biting action sequences and one of the best depictions of human source handling I’ve seen on TV.
One of Fauda’s strengths is it’s sense of place, taking us inside teeming shanties and through barbed-wire border checkpoints. It’s a world of snipers, ambushes, bombings and abductions (think Belfast circa 1978, but with Hummus). We learn of Israelis with Arab heritage, Palestinians who choose to become informers and of Druze Christians serving in the IDF. And Palestinian Authority security officials, stuck with balancing the demands of Hamas and the Israelis. It was also a revelation (to me) that Gaza is seen as a totally different world, by both sides, from the West Bank.
So pack away everything you thought you knew about the Middle East. You might even feel a sense of unease, as I did, that drama based on tragedy should be this good.
Babylon Berlin (Sky Atlantic / Amazon, 4 seasons)
This 1930s detective drama is possibly my favourite TV series of all time and the second German series on my list. I don’t know if they’re having a TV renaissance, but they’re doing something right - Babylon Berlin really is that good.
Weimar Berlin is lovingly realised in what is the most expensive TV drama ever made in Europe. Effortlessly stylish, a genuine feast for the eyes and ears, the series features incredible music and dance sequences like this. Russian emigres, Communists, Nazis, sly generals determined to re-arm in the face of the Armistice agreement, secret policemen, creepy cults, stolen gems, gangsters with names like ‘The Armenian’… BB has it all.
Alexanderplatz homicide detective Gereon Rath (Volker Bruch) is a shell-shocked Great War veteran. Along with his impoverished assistant (aspiring detective and occasional prostitute-from-necessity Charlotte Ritter, played by Liv Lisa Fries) they investigate murders in a culturally rich but politically decaying Berlin. A noirish delight, Babylon Berlin boasts a fantastic cast, bleak humour, compelling plot and obsessive attention to detail. The sadness of knowing Berlin’s fate within a decade only adds to the drama.
Heavily, heavily recommended.
That’s me done for 2022. See you next year.
Dom