Exclusive Police Action Figures!

A silly treat for the weekend.

One one of the ADLERTOY ‘Met History’ action figures, showing a vintage TSG bloke from WTGWTG. Kebabs, ruckuses and 163s ahoy!

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This is a deeply silly post, containing absolutely zero serious policing commentary whatsoever. As such, I suspect it might be quite popular.

Social media is currently awash with AI-generated action figures. I’m not usually one to jump on bandwagons but (1) I love action figures, (2) silly humour, and (3) I wanted to learn how AI worked (that last excuse I’m definitely sticking to). So I downloaded ChatGPT and got to work. The result was the ADLERTOY ‘Police Heroes’ action figure series. The fun, as it turns out, is writing the AI prompts to get the optimal result. It’s quite tricky if you want to put a cherry on the action figure cake.

Top tip: be fawningly polite to the chatbot. Its responses are fun.

So here they are my Police Heroes action figures, for you to right-click on, ‘Save As’, and send to your friends. Tell them I also sell books, dammit.

Ready? Here we go.

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Main Office Detective

MOD is hardworking. Stoic. Efficient. The backbone of modern criminal investigation. And usually ignored, because she hates to make a fuss. She’s got fifty going-nowhere crimes on the box and frequently wonders why she joined. Most of MOD’s time is spent avoiding another CSU posting. Fuelled by coffee, chocolate and despair, MOD can’t wait to leave and shred her blue day-book!

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24/7 Response Dude

24/7RD, who is only 24, doesn’t have fifty jobs on the box, but works odd shifts and spends a lot of his time standing in the rain. He lives on Tesco meal deals and energy drinks. He’s always ending up in TikTok videos, posted by scrotes trying to make him look like a mug. So, when a drunk finally points a sharp, pointy object at 24/7RD? It’s time to ride the lightning.

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Sweaty Old DS

SODS has four years left to do. He’s done all of the big squads, including the one they mysteriously disbanded in the early 2000s (ahem). He’s trying to avoid divorce #3. So, now, he’s stuck back in a main office. If SODS doesn’t die of a heart attack, he’s gonna spend his retirement playing golf in Portugal. Just, please, don’t bother him with your LOB, going nowhere crime.

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Support Group Monster

Face it - policing needs SGM. He’s usually kept hidden on the bus for everyone’s safety. Then things go sideways, whereupon he’s indispensable. SGM loves smashing down doors, violently realistic officer safety training and scary tattoos. At home, he has a lovely family and a cockapoo called Olive. SGM’s three daughters have just bought Olive a little K9 police costume.

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Police Firearms Ninja

PFN swears he’s not into guns. It’s just part of his job. Nonetheless, PFN knows the precise muzzle velocity of a Diemaco C8 carbine. His hobbies are browsing Tinder, scouring the Thrudark website and wondering quite what it is about Ant Middleton he finds so appealing. PFN’s favourite movie is ‘Heat,’ for the gunfight at the end. He also enjoyed ‘Barbie.’ Ryan Gosling’s hair was on-point.

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Specialist Unit Detective

Finally, SUD’s made it onto a squad. He knows every decent villain in his force area. He loves the look on their faces when he seizes their BMWs under POCA. In fact, given how much fun he’s having, SUD will forget to apply for promotion. Then he’ll end up working with poor old MOD again. SUD spends too much time at work for hobbies, except for blowing his overtime on vintage Adidas sneakers.

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Direct Entry Superintendent

DES is still fumes about her 2:1 from Exeter. Then came three awful years in the civil service, until she saw an advert for policing. A chance to smash the system from the inside! And, maybe, pad her CV enough to bag a DEI gig at one of the big consulting firms. DES is heading a project de-gendering Job headgear. This is why she wears a beat duty helmet and not a bowler. So stunning. So brave.

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I hope you’re as giddily excited by ADLERTOY’S POLICE HEROES as I am. And the really sad thing? I’ve actually made more!

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Have a brilliant rest of the weekend.

I’ll be back very soon with a more serious article on police stuff. In the meantime, here’s something I wrote for UnHerd, about Keir Starmer’s not-even-remotely-worrying plans for Counterterrorist policing.

And because they keep telling me I don’t pimp my books often enough, here’s another bloody link to my Amazon page.

Love and Peace,

Dom

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